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Have an overwhelming sense of being a leaf drifting aimlessly about a pond ... no purpose ... no direction.� A few years shy of 50 and nothing to show materially or spiritually in the way of fruit for the thousands of hours of labor and effort.� Never thought in terms of whether or not my life would leave a mark but feeling more and more often the utter meaninglessness of my existence.� Cannot point to a soul changed by my influence towards being used of God nor can I point to the far less important success in the esteem of men or the accumulation of wealth.� Friends are few, distant and seen at best once a year.� I still struggle day to day, and fail, just to manage to pay the bills.� My home is not even maximized for what it is but rather is a mess, an eye sore, an embarassment.� Worthless seems to be a word which describes and encompasses all that I am and do and possess.� I marvel each day that God even allows me to waste the air I breathe.� Many years back I made a conscious choice to ask that when my life reached a point at which it was without positive value that in mercy He would take me home.� Seeing, through my eyes at least, virtually no positive impact on anyone or anything I wonder if there is something I do not see or if there is some tremendous reversal of this misfortune yet to come for which I am being preserved.� All too often I echo those words of Solomon's despair "all is vanity and vexation of spirit".

We must live , life is too precious to give away.

This fire that egnited in my heart has been burning for so long. With out anything to feed on it is burning out and I can feel it. Left for so long I am begining to move on. But a part of me doesn not want to. I still know how I feel but it's been years without true words. Something is going to happen to me if I am not stopped. But I am afraid it may be too late. If someone else throws more fire wood it will catch on fire.�Then I will be realy on someone else's apearance.�I rather not, but It's not alway up to me.�

LIFE SUCKS!!! what am i supposed to do!!!�i am stressed about school, i am getting no hours at work!!!� my relationship is getting out of control and i am so depressed!!� i have made so many bad decissions in my life and i cant handle this crap any more... i think i am going to put my relationship on hold... so that i can get myself to a better state of mind and turn my life around�and�do whats right for me!!! i am so thankful for the support from my family and friends and them putting up with my mood swings and drama!!

Can't bring myself to go home....

I just can't face it. I think mainly it's fear. I'm not angry, just wounded and feeling hopeless and helpless.�I feel despair and sadness. Grief. Another part of me doesn't care anymore. I'm beyond caring.

Home is�a place where I am threatened. My sanity is threatened. I am reduced to something without dignity, something without significance or value. I am afraid of wife, because she's unpredictable. I've always handled weapons from a young age. I'm not afraid of guns, because although as�a hunter I know they're deadly, I have learned gun safety. Guns are totally predictable and in the 25 years I've been shooting I have never been involved in or witnessed an accident with a gun.

My wife though could fire any moment, without any notice and wound me more painfully than being shot. Should I go home and risk it? It will happen again. What will happen if I go over the edge? Will I lose my sanity? Will I have a total mental breakdown? I don't know. That's scary, the fact that I don't know.

I don't think she takes much responsibliity. She's always said she's pretty well perfect, so it's up to me. Well if it's up to me and I need to care for myself, then I shouldn't go home. I guess they'll be fine without me. Don't know what to do. Where do I go? It's hard to know what to do. I don't know where to turn to, or who to talk to. I need to sleep.

I havn't posted anything in a while.

Alot has changed.

1. I'm completly && totally in love.

2. I've known this guy for 4 years, so stfu about being to young to be in love. (i'll tell you more about him when i have more time to write.)

3. I'm still having the same weird feelings that i was having in my last posts.

4. I'm getting increasingly better at the piano.

5. I got a kick ass camera. <3

6. Writing has become a huge part of my life, i'll post some of my quotes/sayings/poems at the bottom of this entry...

7. There is way to much stuff on my mind to number it all.

001.

i wish i would've died in your arms the
last time we were together. so i wouldn't
have to wake without you today

002.

but the most important thing is,
even if we're apart,
i'll always be with you

003.

You know you’ve read a good book
when you turn the last page
and feel as if you’ve lost a friend

004.

You're in a car with a beautiful boy,
and he won't tell you that he loves you.
And you feel like you've done something terrible,
like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills,
or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt,
and you're tired.
You're in a car with a beautiful boy,
and you're trying not to tell him that you love him,
and you're trying to choke down the feeling,
and you're trembling,
but he reaches over and he touches you,
like a prayer for which no words exist,
and you feel your heart taking root in your body,
like you've discovered something
you don't even have a name for

^^my favorite^^

005.

You have a choice. Live or die.
Every breath is a choice. Every minute
is a choice. Every time you don't throw
yourself down the stairs, that's a choice.
Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist

006.

Most days from the moment i wake to when i go to sleep at night....im unhappy. When i met you, all that changed

007.

And id rather be outside in the freezing rain with you
than to be warm in the arms of someone else.

008.

I�guess what i like best about you is how you
can make me laugh even when nothing's funny.

I think tonight while driving, I figured out what's wrong with me. I was driving along and realised I'm afraid of wife. Not afraid of her harming me, but afraid of what she can do to me emotionally. You see, she is able to make me feel so worthless that I want to die, and that's something to be feared. Then I thought, how is it that she can make me feel so worthless, just by being angry with me.... Then I realised.

The thing is, that i have a bit of a performance identity. That means, my performance = my self worth/significance/value. I've recognised that in my work place and I'm trying to deal with it, but in my marriage, I've always wanted to be the best husband I could be and try and please my wife.

I've always been told that the husband's role is to nurture his wife and that she is a reflection of his love. Wife however has told me ever since we have been married that I don't meet her needs, that she doesn't feel loved by me and that I am below normal as a man.

So somehow, I think I must have made it my life's mission to be the man, to love her like she deserves and meet her needs. And whenever she really gets angry with me and I can't seem to fix it, I feel totally worthless. Because I realise that my performance is so utterly pathetic as a husband and having given it my all, and tried my hardest to improve and change and be everything she wants me to be, I still fail so badly. That's when I feel the lowest. That's when I feel like scum. Like a piece of shit.

Then I start thinking thoughts about quitting, dying, suicidal stuff. I can't do anything. Even the things I love I have no motivation for. I'm a passionate trout fisherman and tonight I pulled up on the bank of a lagoon and watched fish feeding right near the shore and I had all my rods and gear in the back and didn't even bother to put a food out of the cab. I just want to curl up and make the world go away.

I have no motivation for living. I feel empty, hollow, drained, despair. I am nothing. I have given my all, and have nothing left. And I"ve failed. For me, because my identity is linked with my performance, and my performance is pathetic, then I am worthless.

That's why I can't go home. I'm too afraid. I'm only just hanging on. If I go any lower, I might die.

How do I break this? Maybe I just am worthless...

Wife went off today. Came home and found 8yr old used some of her xmas cards. kid was working away all morning trying to make something for his cousin I think and got roasted for it. She really got stuck into him. Went over it and over it until he started crying. I'm thinking damn, Christmas isn't supposed to be about getting stuck into each other over cards... ok so he is supposed to ask. He says he'll ask next time, but then drop it.

So I open my big mouth and try and defuse the situation by saying, come on lets keep it light. Christmas is about people and he was being generous etc. Well that was like waving a red rag to a bull. And I got both barrells. Suddenly the 8yr old was not the target, I was. Now, i'm not backing up the wife. Even though I totally agree with her, that he should have asked, yes the cards were expensive, yes she had plans for them etc. etc. but i was just sayin try and keep the spirit of Christmas alive here!

Then she accused me of screwing up our kids because we aren't united. I need to read the all parenting books because they all say that apparently. I'm not sure that we're disunited actually, given that I agree with everything she's saying. I'm just disagreeing with getting angry over things, when people and the way we treat them are more important than things. Heck I'll take a second job to buy her more cards just to make her happy.

Well, i tried to explain what i was trying to say. It always happens though. People get jacked at christmas time and start chewin each other out. Why does it have to be that way? Why do people get irritable, stressed and angry at Christmas time? Why is there so much pressure? Surely God gave Jesus at Christmas to reconcile us to him and one another and bring peace on earth. Somehow it has turned out to be war! Then she went right off. She started shouting and yelling and swearing.

Told me that what would I know about trying to raise kids and making a happy family home when I'm screwed up cos I came from a broken home. I tried to explain that because i'm from a broken home, I know what I want. Harmony. Love, peace, people that get along not fight like my parents did and ended up breaking up.

Then she tried a different tack. She said there's no point even talking to me because I'm screwed up in the head and that even though I think I'm making sense I'm not. She said I should go and pop more pills. She is going off regularly now. She was going off when she had her period last. Well that's an excuse. The kids asked me why she was like that, and I said because it's that time of month. But last week, she was going off about having a shit family and that everyone in the family treated her bad and that it was all my fault. I didn't react to that, just called her in the arvo to see if she was feeling better. But today, she wouldn't let go.

I wasn't trying to correct her or point out her failing. I was just trying to lift the atmosphere in the home a bit, because I hate a negative atmosphere. She is so insecure that even a comment like "let's keep things light and Chrismassy" says that I'm accusing her of being a failure. Wish she would deal with her damn insecurity cos it's drivin me nuts. I don't know why we are pissing her off so much. She's always going off at either the kids or me. I just don't know what to do. She reckons if she was in charge of the family, everything would be better... like she's not in charge? I'm certainly not in charge!

Worst thing is she wouldn't stop. After I went to get the kids some lunch (was toasting some cheese on bread for them in the griller) she kept coming into the kitchen chipping away and chipping away and going on and on with it. Well, I had enough. I hurled the empty can across the kitchen and announced to the family that they had a fucked up dad and she had a fucked up husband, that I was totally screwed and I was screwing them all up and they would be better off without me and left.

Whenever she gets into me, eventually I feel like a total waste of space and a failure. I feel like I'm a curse on my families life and that I should hang myself. I wonder what it would be like to have a belt around my neck and to feel the blood flow restricted to my brain and then the blackness. I think it would be peaceful and then I would be free from pain.

My home is like a prison. When she's angry with me it's like torture. I can't rest or recover in my home with her exploding like that. She's like a bomb with a trip wire. None of us know when it's going to trigger, but we all know it's just a matter of time. But for her, we're all to blame, so y'know, it's not her fault. She has no responsibility at all. Actually she's the most perfect person you could meet. So caring, kind, compassionate, empathetic and humble. Just wish it would extend to us.

Don't know why she's so angry... There's a bit of family history there I spose. Her dad had a stroke because of his temper. The difference between marriage and a prison sentence, is at least with prison, you know how much time you have left. Marriage could go on for a loooong time and if it's anything like mine, it will feel like quite a few lifetimes. For some reason, I just either can't improve fast enough for her, or be a certain person, or perform quite well enough. And when I fall short, watch out.

�I've cooked every night this week. Done four loads of washing. Looked after the kids. Nearly driven myself into the ground and come Saturday, I'm in the doghouse. What a fucked up life. I'm over my family.